Gratitude vs. Toxic Positivity: Why It’s Okay Not to Feel Thankful All the Time
“Good vibes only” sounds nice, but life isn’t always that simple.
November is often called the season of gratitude. Everywhere you look, people are sharing lists of what they’re thankful for, posting highlight reels, and reminding each other to “stay positive.” However, for many people, the holidays can also bring stress, grief, or emotional exhaustion, feelings that don’t fit neatly into a gratitude journal.
Here’s the truth: gratitude is healthy, but forced gratitude can become a form of emotional pressure. Understanding the difference between gratitude and toxic positivity allows you to practice thankfulness in a more honest, sustainable way.
What Is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity happens when people feel pressured to stay cheerful or “look on the bright side” even when things are genuinely hard. It often sounds like:
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “Other people have it worse.”
- “Just focus on the good.”
Although well-intentioned, these phrases can make real emotions feel wrong or inconvenient. Over time, that can create guilt, shame, and emotional disconnection.
According to the American Psychological Association, denying or minimizing difficult emotions can actually increase stress and decrease resilience. In other words, pretending everything is fine can make us feel worse, not better.
Gratitude That Heals, Not Hurts
Real gratitude doesn’t require ignoring pain. Instead, it’s about acknowledging both the good and the hard parts of life at once.
For example:
- “I’m grateful for my friends, and I’m also feeling lonely this season.”
- “I appreciate my job, even though I’m burnt out right now.”
- “I’m thankful for what I have, but I still wish things were different.”
This balanced approach is called authentic gratitude, and it’s rooted in emotional honesty. It allows you to hold multiple truths, that joy and struggle can coexist — without guilt.
Moreover, research shows that genuine gratitude supports long-term mental health when it’s grounded in mindfulness rather than forced positivity. For example, UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center summarizes decades of findings showing that consciously practicing gratitude increases happiness and lowers stress, especially when paired with emotional honesty.
For an even deeper dive, read “How Gratitude Changes You and Your Brain” from the Greater Good Science Center.
Why Therapy Encourages Real Gratitude
Therapy helps people move beyond toxic positivity by creating space for all emotions — not just the pretty ones. Instead of avoiding sadness or anger, therapy teaches you how to acknowledge those feelings without letting them define you.
Through therapy, you can:
- Build emotional awareness. Learn to identify and name your true feelings.
- Practice self-compassion. Replace self-criticism with a gentler inner voice.
- Reframe gratitude. Shift from “I should be thankful” to “I can notice what feels meaningful.”
- Balance optimism with honesty. Recognize that growth often includes discomfort.
As a result, gratitude becomes something freeing, not forced. You start to appreciate your life as it is, not just as you wish it were.
How to Practice Authentic Gratitude
- Allow mixed emotions. Gratitude doesn’t erase sadness; it can coexist with it.
- Write “both/and” statements. Example: “I’m grateful for my family, and I also need alone time.”
- Avoid comparison. Someone else’s joy doesn’t invalidate your struggle.
- Reflect, don’t perform. Gratitude is for your growth, not for social media.
- Practice mindfulness. Slow down, notice small joys, and breathe before reacting.
Over time, this approach builds resilience and calm — not because life is perfect, but because you’ve learned how to appreciate it truthfully.
The Takeaway: Gratitude Isn’t About Perfection
Gratitude is powerful when it’s real. You don’t have to be thankful all the time to be a grateful personl; you just have to be honest with yourself.
If the holiday season feels overwhelming, remember: you’re allowed to feel joy and sadness. Therapy can help you find balance between optimism and authenticity — so your gratitude actually supports your mental health, not suppresses it.
At Talking Works Counseling NYC (and online), we help clients practice self-compassion and emotional balance, not forced positivity. Our therapists create a safe space to explore gratitude, grief, and growth together.
We accept a wide range of insurances and offer affordable out-of-pocket options starting at just $30 per session.
Reach out today — because gratitude should feel healing, not heavy.